Saturday, September 22, 2012

That Time I Spanked My Son

It's not a moment I'm proud of. I'm not here to start another Mommy War. I'm here, as always, to share my story and my thoughts and feelings that go with it.


That little sweetheart up there, my Braden, is now 2 years and 1 week shy of 8 months old. His listening skills have improved vastly, even over the last few months. He'll often grab my hand as he is getting out of my truck and says "hold hands in parkin' wot!"

But sometimes, toddlers are just toddlers and they can't be perfect. On our travels today we stopped to have a potty break and then were going to get a smoothie and continue on. We were on our way out of the restaurant, I opened the door for Braden, and as I was opening, I reminded him "okay, hold Mommy's hand!" And he took off.

One warning: "BRADEN! Hold Mommy's hand please!"

Two warnings: "BRADEN! Do NOT run!"

No time for 3 warnings as he's just about to the end of the sidewalk and about to sprint into the parking lot...I gave my 34 week pregnant body all it had to give and ran to him as he was about 3 steps into the parking lot.
Then...it happened. I reached out, grabbed his left arm with my left hand as my right hand swung to spank his itty bitty bum in his camouflage shorts.

I didn't hit him hard, I startled him more than anything...but then the lip came out. That little bottom lip jutted out in all it's pink moist poutiness and broke my heart.
It hurts my heart to say that I "hit" my child...but I did. I didn't know what else to do. The yelling/scolding didn't work. He kept running. It was a parking lot...with big moving vehicles that could hurt him!

A little background info...I am not a believer of spanking. I've given him little "one finger" smacks on the bum before to reiterate something I'm trying to say...but never have actually spanked him.

I'm not here to judge you if you spank, obviously I believe there's a time and a place for it, and I felt I had no other choice today. I needed something that would hopefully reiterate how SERIOUS Mommy was, because my Big Booming Mommy voice (and believe me, it is big) was not working.

I then quietly walked him the rest of the way to our truck, I gently picked him up, had him sit on my bump, and we hugged as he whimpered.

I had my first heart-to-heart with my son. I looked him in his bright blue eyes and said "I'm sorry I hurt your bum, Braden...but Mommy was VERY scared. You have to LISTEN to Mommy or you could get hurt. Mommy doesn't want you to get hurt. I love you."

"Sowwy, Mommy."

"Thanks, buddy. Are you okay? I love you."

"I okay, Mommy."

We got our smoothies and hit the road. In no time were back to laughing, giggling, listening to The Lorax, and looking for trains and loaders and diggers like we always do. But I'll still never forget what I did today. Sigh.

Did I break your heart a little bit too? I'm suffering a big case of Mega Mommy Guilt. But I didn't know what else to do...??? I got a ton of support from a lot of you on Twitter today and I thank you so much for that. You made me feel loved and said that you had done it too, not that you liked it either, but that you felt the circumstance was "dire" enough that it warranted a spank.
I hate myself a little bit for it. I don't ever want to have to do it again.

Have you ever had a similar situation? I've already said a prayer that we will both learn from this situation and that I'll never have to do it again.

37 comments:

  1. Don't beat yourself up too much Mama. You acted out of both frustration for your toddler not listening and fear for his safety. You know what? I'm not one to spank either but I promise we have all been there! (and if you haven't, it just hasn't happened yet) He knows he is loved beyond words and he probably already forgot it ever happend. :)

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    1. I think it's really important to try and NOT just act out of frustration and to feel VALID about spanking, for me anyway. I find that's where parents do "do it right" is when they just get frustrated, don't really think...and spank. I do know what you're trying to say though, and thanks for your support! I'm sure he has forgotten, he hasn't said anything, but hopefully he didn't forget the lesson.

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  2. Take comfort that perhaps next time he is about to bolt in a parking lot he will remember today & that spank & decide not to run. This avoiding getting hurt or worse! Props to you for being able to run after him! That must have felt like torture.

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    1. Luckily the long legs carried me far, but I just DREAD chasing him! Thanks for the comment...I really hope the lesson sticks, for the most part.

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  3. I have to admit, I got a little teary reading this. Not for Braden, but for YOU! I will be a spanker, (of course, Brixton is only 16 months old and hasn't been spanked!), but I often think how hard it will be to do that and I will reserve it only for the serious stuff...like running in a parking lot! You are such a good mama, and doing your best to teach your little guy to listen to you, since you are just trying to protect him. I'm sure he's already forgotten. xoxo

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    1. Thanks for reading, Kelley. I felt for the first time the saying "this is going to hurt me, more than it hurts you" really applied! Hubby and I had a good convo about this today and have both agreed, like I knew we would, that we are only reserving spanking for the serious/dangerous stuff.

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  4. My heart broke for you reading this. I have the same feeling as you about everything, and I would have done the exact same thing. Don't feel mega mommy guilt, you did what you felt in the moment, and you talked to him about it after, and everything is ok!! Braden knows you love him, and like others said, I'm sure he has forgotten!! You'll both learn from this, take heart in that!!

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    1. Thank you so much, Melissa! I think he did forget...but hopefully not the lesson!

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  5. ((HUGS))
    I have to tell you, the only reason we haven't spanked is because my H and I decided early on that it was off limits for us. There have been times when I have wanted to more than anything though- and there have been arm grabs, and I've yelled more than I care to admit.

    You did what you thought was best in the moment, and that's okay. If you decide that it's not for you, then you probably won't do it again. Try not to feel bad.

    It's hard to parent a toddler. You are doing a great job.

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    1. I really appreciate the support, especially since you are a no-spanking family. For the most part and for 99% of our children's discipline we certainly will be too!

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  6. I have so been there. After I spanked my son I literally felt sick. I had lost my temper and did it out of anger and frustration. It didn't even stop the behavior that made me lose it to begin with, it just made it worse. I don't know that I can promise I won't ever do it again, but I definitely know it's not going to be anytime soon!

    We've all done things as moms that we aren't proud of, but it doesn't make us bad moms. And the good news is, toddlers don't hold grudges! :)

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    1. I think that's the hardest thing - is to not lose our temper when we're disciplining. I did it very level headed, and mostly out of fear. It still made me feel awful though. Thanks for the comment and he sure doesn't seem to hold a grudge.

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  7. I did the same thing today. My daughter did the same thing and ran into the parking lot. I'm thankful it was at church with lots of other children around, but I called out to her TWICE and told her to stop and she kept running. I spanked her to get her attention that running into a parking lot is dangerous. The way I look at it, if my daughter does something that is dangerous, then I'll spank her because I want her to know mommy really means it. I also know if she was hit by a car while I just stood there, I'd even be more upset with myself.

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    1. I'm so glad that I'm not alone in this - seriously! Thanks for sharing!

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  8. I absolutely think there is a time and place for spanking and today, for you, was one of those moments, no doubt about it. Thad's gotten swatted before...it's on those things you can't compromise about, it's a safety issue. They need to learn....and sometime's it's the only way. No judgement here, as you said before, remember God wants you to discipline your child.

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    1. Trust me, spanks will only be reserved for serious SERIOUS stuff! Thanks for the support, Libby...and yes He certainly does and "discipline" covers such an array of things!

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  9. I'm sorry both of you had to go through this.
    I grew up in a Baptist Church, they taught my Mother & Step Father to beat us with wooden paddles & keep "track" with a marking of each child (there were 8 of us) it has left a horrible scar on my heart and I hate the church beacause of it.
    I refuse to hit my child(ren), but to each his own.
    I know it wasn't a choice you decided to make when you woke up that morning, and things happen in the heat of the moment. If "God" wants you to disipline your children and you believe in his "word" then so be it. That's the best thing about being a Parent, you get to make the best decision for you and your child!
    Hugs* for the both of you & I am glad you guys got to hug it out!! :)

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    1. Both my husband and I were raised in "spanking only for serious things" homes and it didn't scar us as kids, so we feel that for the SERIOUS stuff in life, we'll spank our kids - and hopefully we won't have to do it often.

      God does want us to discipline our children, but it doesn't mean He wants us to "beat/hit/strike" them. The word "discipline" covers such an array of things from how we want our children to act in public with manners, how we want them to respect people, the law, and property, disciplining by "time outs" or whatever means that the parents agree on. I do believe the Word and this certainly is a big part of our parenting decisions.

      Thanks for your comment and we always hug and say sorry after all forms of discipline be it time outs, or now a spank.

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  10. I keep thinking about what I would have done...and I am sure you did what was necessary to keep B out of danger. If something would have happened to him (even just a close call) you would be feeling much worse. Give yourself a break and be thankful your son is not hurt. :)

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    1. Thanks for your kind words, its not something I ever plan on doing on a regular basis.

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  11. Aw man, that just stinks... I've been there. I don't believe in spanking either (though I was spanked and turned out ok, I guess, lol). I love how Mrs.EyeCanSee puts it - "We've all done things as moms that we aren't proud of, but it doesn't make us bad moms. And the good news is, toddlers don't hold grudges!" And the fact of the matter is you are a very loving mother - an attentive one with your child's best interests at heart. Don't beat yourself up about it!

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    1. Thank you, Ang. We were both spanked as kids for only the serious stuff and we turned out okay too. I never ever would condone any other person other than me or my husband to spank our son though.

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  12. I think you did what you had to, they're at this age where they're pushing to learn and stretch and see what they can do. You know what works for you guys and hopefully when this happened he realized how serious it is and you won't ever have to do it again...

    I can relate to the Mommy Guilt of hitting, {http://www.never-a-dull-moment.com/2012/04/never-again-let-me-give-you-some.html} and I can honestly say for Lexie she hasn't hit me since...but if I had the chance to do it over again I wouldn't have hit her (it bothered me inside for weeks)

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    1. Thanks so much, Mel. I really hope he learned the lesson and the reason behind the spank too. I can relate about the bother of it though...but I talked it through with my husband and we both agree I did the right thing for the situation.

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  13. I would have done the same. know I have gotten really close. Please don't beat yourself over it. You are a wonderful mom! He will totally not even remember!

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  14. I would have done the same. I've spanked Evie once before and it was because she was sticking her fingers in a box fan repeatedly. She could have lost a finger. She knows better now. We do swat her bottom occasionally but just to get her attention - not to discipline.

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    1. Yes - we swat for the attention too, or like I said - to really reiterate something. Thanks for reading and the support, Sarah!

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  15. Sarah - I grew up with spankings. I really have no ill effects or bad memories from it. I do know that with L. we decided not to spank as he does NOT respond well to them. He will just hit others or toys or himself and doesn't know why that isn't ok but a parent spanking is. That being said, L. also ran out in the street and I couldn't catch him and he got a swat (not hard) for it because there is a point where if safety is truly involved , i think there has to be immediate/swift correction. As you weren't swatting him because you were just frustrated, but truly were keeping him safe, I think you did what needed doing. It IS so tough though! Doesn't it just make you cry!!!

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    1. Yes, we did too, only for the serious stuff.

      Your reason for not spanking L is the EXACT reason why I will only ever do it, if absolutely necessary, for the really serious things. I totally believe it teaches children that it's okay to "hit someone" when you are mad/frustrated because that's what they see and experience!

      Thanks so much.

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  16. For me spanking is a totally legit thing when it's all that works. It's a correction, and they learn over time! I know there's SO much bad surrounding it, but you can not allow yourself to feel bad!! It's much better to spank his little bottom than he get hit by a car!! We spank for only the "bad crimes": hurting her sister or putting herself in danger and not listening when I try to protect her. You're fabulous and I'm sure he will forgive you ;)

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    1. Thanks, KK! I really hope I'll never have to do it again...but I'm sure there will be times where it's warranted again, even though I don't want there to be!

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  17. I would have done the same thing. I'm not a believer in spanking for the sake of spanking, but I think it has a place when done correctly... and you did it exactly right. Don't beat yourself up, it would be even worse if he had gotten hurt!

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    1. I agree 100% about the "place when done correctly" statement, that's how we feel exactly. Thank you for the comment!

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  18. I haven't been there yet, but I do know that if I have to choose between spanking and risking a safety issue... I'll definitely choose spanking! Kids respond to different things sometimes, and sometimes the softer methods might not work... I think it's kinder to do what will work once than to repeat a time-out 85 times when it's obviously not getting through... or, in this case, when there's a safety issue. My Dad spanked me when I was a kid - and I promise, I NEVER thought he was abusive, and I NEVER thought for a second that he didn't love me about a billion times more than anyone else did... it didn't hurt our relationship at all, and I didn't feel hurt at all because of it.

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    1. Yes, I agree. We were both spanked for the serious stuff and turned out just fine! Thanks so much for your comment!

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    2. I have a daughter as your son, born march 2010 (I am a French farmer and my wife is nurse ;)) and she has lots of character too!!!

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