Messy Motherhood: Loving Yourself

Loving yourself. It's a hard thing to do. You change as a person throughout your life. It's inevitable.

You change when you say "I do". You're no longer your #1, only caring about and for yourself...you open your life and your heart to your husband. There's now another person to consider in all the choices you make in life.

Then you have your first baby. If you didn't change too much when you became a wife...you're bound to change in leaps and bounds when you become a mommy for the first time. It's life-changing. You can no longer do whatever it is you please at any given moment. There's a precious blessing who relies solely on you to live.

I love being a mommy, but it was definitely a transition that I had to make. I couldn't run out and go shopping whenever I wanted or go out with my girlfriends or even go out on a date with my husband. You're at home more in  your life than you ever were before, at least I was. It's not as easy to just run out the door and meet your friends for coffee. You have to wait because the baby is the boss of the house now, literally!

Then, I got used to being a mommy of 1 and spreading my time and my love for myself, my husband, and my child in good sized portions...and then we welcomed baby #2. I wondered how my heart could love another child as much as it loved my first, which was so so SO much. But it does.

I can't even begin to quote who said this or something similar, but I've always firmly believed that if you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else...and certainly no one else is going to love you back! My husband loves me unconditionally, he has told me many times...but I imagine for him it would be harder to love me if I didn't love myself.

I think it is so important for me as a wife and mother to still recognize that I am Sarah. I'm not a single, childless girl anymore...but I am still me in there. I've just had to mold myself and change over the years. It's so important for me to still have girl's nights and coffee dates and "me" time. Even if my me time right now is limited to a bubble bath and a glass of Moscato - I'll take it!

There's an old saying that "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" and for me...that's certainly true! I radiate my feelings. If I'm not happy then I radiate that to my husband and my children, and they don't deserve it, which is why it's so important for me to remember to love myself.

We love because he first loved us. -- 1 John 4:19

Do everything in love. -- 1 Corinthians 16:14

Feeling Frumpalicious

I know I'm only 8 weeks post-partum today, and that the "licious" part of my made up word would imply that it was a good feeling...but it's not. I think I'm inevitably going to have a harder time this time losing my pregnancy pounds. All 17 that are hanging on. I cannot believe I'm 17 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight still, simply because I don't "feel" like it's that much, but wow! I'd like to lose at least 10 lbs...I was too skinny again when I got pregnant. This is nothing I ever "try" to do...I just usually fluctuate 10 lbs up or down whether I want to or not, it's how I've always been. However, I wrote this post when I was 4 months post-partum about getting back into my skinny jeans...so maybe it will just take time?

I think it must be pretty remarkable what happens to a woman's body after giving birth. I can tell that it's not even "weight" I need to lose, it's my hips/pelvis need to shrink and get back into proper pre-birthing alignment. And the skin! I hope this isn't just me...but I feel like a shar pei dog! I literally have rolls of skin on my back and "love handles". I know these will go away with time, they did last time but I just have all this SKIN...it's so awkward!

With Braden I bought a pair of "fat" jeans when I was 3 weeks post partum. Jeans that are 2 sizes too big, but not maternity. Well, I outgrew those a couple of weeks ago - they're too baggy and don't fit anymore. I can get my biggest pair of regular jeans on...and if I suck it in I can even do them up....but then I've got the oh-so-flattering muffin top thing going on. So it's looser shirts or shirts that are patterned and take the eye away from my mummy tummy. I just hate this awkward phase of feeling like I have nothing to wear. I really don't have any jeans that fit well right now, I'm not going to buy more to fit me through this awkwardness, and I have my trusty yoga pants and a pair of jeggings that fit.

Regardless, I think I want to get in better shape this time around anyway. Or "tighter" as Jay and I joke about because of this clip from "Knocked Up":

What are you recommendations for work out DVD's? I need something engaging that's going to want me to keep going back for more, if it's boring I won't do it. I don't know if I need the 30 Day Shred, if I should try Turbo Jam, do a dance one? Regardless, a gym membership isn't optional for me (especially breastfeeding a baby) but also because of our location too. So DVD's it is and I'm not going out and buying any work out equipment either.

I'm going to give myself the holidays and then do the cliche New Year's resolution of getting into shape! 

What are your recommendations? What do you love? What do you hate?

Two Hospital Visits: My Broken Boob & Yellowy Baby

My breastfeeding journey with Braden was flawless. Truly - picture perfect. He latched well from minute 1, we both weaned together, I never had cracks, infections, the only little blurp was that I had discomfort for 1/2 a day when we finally weaned and stopped.

This time? He's had some latch "issues" that end up not bothering me or affect his feeding or weight gain (obviously!), but that I believe contribute to his spitting up issues. I had a tiny crack and a bit of bleeding for a day or two that cleared up easily.

Then this Tuesday I woke up with a really sore left breast. I was texting my SIL Laura (cuz what else would I do with any kind of baby or nursing issue?) and she figured if I had mastitis I would feel like I got hit by a truck. Well, literally after that nursing session and when we were done texting, I got chills, could not warm up had a very very low grade fever and extreme fatigue. Sure enough, upon further inspection I felt heat and saw redness on the inside of my left boob.

Laura told me to keep nursing, pump, pump, pump, and to do hot, warm compresses. Luckily, nursing didn't hurt at all and even with deep massage and palpation, that was bearable too. Luckily my sweet friend Jac was around to give me similar advice too and I was hopeful that I wouldn't have to go on meds. I felt much better that afternoon, but then got the chills again in the evening.

I woke up feeling better again and really wanted to do anything I could to avoid going on antibiotics, because I don't like the overuse of antibiotics in our society as it is, plus I do NOT like the side effects that I get from the antibiotic I knew I would be prescribed.

But...I wasn't diligent enough...or maybe my body just didn't want to heal on its own. I just couldn't commit to pumping every hour or two, my breast always felt pretty empty as it was and was never hard or engorged. I just couldn't do it. Not with a toddler and a baby to take care of.

Sigh.

I know I'm not...but I feel like a little bit of a failure. I've had these minor problems with breastfeeding this time, and it hasn't gotten me down with the actual breastfeeding at all, I just wonder why it was smooth sailing with Braden and I've had these few problems with Ethan?

Anyway, we hosted our 3rd annual friends holiday dinner party on Thursday night and I was feeling on the mend. I still had the redness and soreness but I systemically felt much better...until I put Ethan down. I took off my sweater to nurse him to sleep and by the time I was done, I was FROZEN. Checked my temperature and it was 37.6 (99.7, Americans ;). Not even considered a low grade fever, but hot enough for my body to react. I put on 2 sweaters to warm up, mingled for a bit longer with our guests and then headed to bed at 9 with my boob more red than it had been.

I threw in the proverbial white towel and headed to the doc in the morning. I was diagnosed with "classic" mastitis, likely streptococcus vs. staphylococcus and was put on Keflex for 10 days. I hate Keflex. But, this time I'm taking acidophilus with it, and that's all I'll say about that.

I'm 3, almost 4, doses in...and the redness is down drastically and it's not as sore to touch. I can feel a hard spot now which I will keep trying to get rid of manually and with the pump. Ethan is nursing well, but I can tell he doesn't 'like' that side as much, Laura said it can taste salty to them...so I don't blame the poor guy!

So...pray for my boob, will you? If it's not a lot better by tomorrow, I need to go in for IV which I do not want to do. I am thinking with the healing I've seen thus far this won't happen, but you never know.

Have you ever had mastitis? How did you deal?

And now, the yellow baby. At Ethan's 6 week appointment I mentioned to our doc that I thought he still looked a tinge yellow, even in his eyes. My nursing colleagues that had seen Ethan prior had also agreed with me. He recommended doing bloodwork just to make sure. So my poor little guy had a heel poke to check things out on Tuesday, and we haven't heard anything so I'm going with the "no news is good news" theory. I guess it's just a phenomenon and it's not affecting his health whatsoever.

Just as a nurse and a mom, I had to get it checked out to clear my mind. I'll keep you posted if we hear anything.

No more hospital visits...okay!

My Mommy Confessions

Or, Momfessions, if you will! I haven't been in a good blogging funk lately. I go through phases where I could literally write 2 posts a day...and times when I can't think of a darn thing to say...like now. This is when it's good to participate in blog hops with themed posts! I realize these are supposed to be confessions about being a mommy....like related soley to my children...but I'm a mommy and even if these aren't 100% about being a mother, here they are:

• You know that saying out there that it's okay to have dirty dishes in the sink and crumbs on your floor because it's more important to be with your kids, or something along with those lines? Well....that may be true for some, but not me! I cannot STAND having my house dirty or especially clutter about. I cannot relax and enjoy my kids if my house is dirty. It doesn't take that long to clean, really!
• I could have 2 or 3 baths a day in this cold weather (not because I smell, contrary to what my husband teases me about)
• Children should not be allowed to wake up before 8:00 AM, I'll even settle for 7:30 I am NOT a morning person, I never will be I figure
• I have always been a 1 cup of coffee in the morning kinda gal, but I've been craving an afternoon cup sometimes
• I do like a clean house, but I'm awful at cleaning the bathroom. It gets cleaned, of course...but I hate doing it. I've cleaned it 3 times since Ethan came home...and he's 7 weeks old today
• The cold, dreary weather makes me happy. Yup, happy. It makes me feel like I have the right to stay in my warm, cozy home and sip coffee and bake and snuggle with my boys
• I had a dream about my dad the other night...that I got to hug him, tell him he looked good and hoped he was doing well. That's the only part of the dream I remember and it makes me happy and hopeful that one day I might be able to hug him again
• I'm not really getting Ethan anything for Christmas, just a personalized lovie blankie from Etsy!
• On the other hand, I got Braden WAY too much for Christmas...good thing his birthday is a month after and I can divide the presents between the two!
• My baby slept for over 7 hours the other night and I will not be made to feel bad about it, I'm celebrating. It may not happen again for awhile!
• I love being at home as a mommy more than I ever thought I would. I will definitely go back to work, but I can see myself working less while my kids are young
• I love Essie nail polish, I may or may not pick out a new color anytime I get a chance to go shopping (which isn't that often, don't worry)
• I love Duck Dynasty. Like, love it.
• Moscato is gooooo-oood! I drink a bottle to myself probably every 2 weeks.
• I am 17 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight (gained 38 lbs)...and this blows my mind! I do not feel 17 lbs heavier, nor do I think I look it...this is the same weight I was when I was 22 weeks pregnant - crazy!
• I feel so much less stressed than I did last Christmas. I've learned to control what I can and cannot handle during the holidays. Until I go on Pinterest...which is why I don't
• Speaking of that, I'm not doing a gingerbread house, I refuse until my kids specifically ask to do it or Poppy does it with them, hehe
• I love being the mommy to 2 boys, especially that they have boy cousins their age!
• I started the Advent Bible study with #SheReadsTruth and I've been missing it from my life the last couple of months, I need His Word in my daily life again

I know all my confessions aren't that shocking...and not all to do with being a mommy, but they are what they are. Do you have confessions this week? Link up with Growing Up Geeky.

WW: Maternity Pictures

Photo Credit: Katie's Contemplations

WW: Mamarazzi Strikes Again! Photobomb of my Boys!

The Part of Pregnancy That I Like To Refer to As "The Ticking Time Bomb Phase"

That's how I described it when I was at this point in my pregnancy with Braden too. 37 weeks. Fully cooked. Full term. At this point with Braden I would give birth to him exactly 25 days later...but a pregnant mama just never knows when it's going to happen, hence the "ticking time bomb" terminology. You pray with all your might that you'll make it to the magical 37th week that is deemed full term, though many many many babies are delivered healthy before that mark, of course...but as soon as you, or me anyway, hit 37 weeks...it feels like GO TIME! It feels like the light went from red to green and that I've got the proverbial thumbs up to go on ahead anytime and have this baby.

The tennis ball for labor - last time it felt good to have pressure on my lower back...or I can throw it in frustration? Diaper bag & Boppy packed!

In all honesty? I'm not ready. I really want these next few weeks to enjoy our last moments being a family of 3, Braden being our one and only, organizing, cleaning, packing, and re-packing. Now that our downstairs bedroom is done - WOOHOO! - I can finalize what little I had to do in the nursery. The cradle is finished, the gender neutral owl blanket I bought even before Squishy was conceived is waiting to be snuggled in. A handful of Braden & Abby's newborn clothes are washed and ready to be worn. An owl hat and a bear hat are ready to be worn if Squishy is a girl or a boy respectively. The diaper bag & cloth diaper bags are packed. The extra small, newborn cloth diapers are all washed and put away. My hospital bag, minus last minute toiletries is packed....but I'm not ready.


I know most girls at this time in their pregnancies, some earlier, some later too...are DONE. Me? I'm not. It's such a blessing to be pregnant and I don't want to take even 1 day for granted. I've always felt this way, but seeing friends have preemies and NICU babies...I'd happily go overdue any time vs. being too early. Last time I didn't want to be overdue because I had an intense fear of having to be induced. This time? I know my body can do it on it's own, and I'm just going to put my trust in God that it will know again. Plus? This might be the last time I'm ever pregnant...and that kinda makes me sad. We just don't know for sure if one day we'll have 3, so I'm truly trying to cherish every thing about being pregnant.

The little kicks, flips, and rolls that I feel from Squishy on the inside.
The way that my bump looks.
The positive attention and excitement that I get from people around me.
Truly not feeling guilty ANYMORE about eating anything and everything.

BUT, there is a reason why we're pregnant for "only" 9 months. It can't last, nor do I want it to, forever. I'm very excited to meet Squishy and FINALLY know if he is a he or she is a she. I'm excited to see Braden transition into the role of Big Brother and us transform into a family of four. I can't wait to see Abby's reaction to a tiny, newborn baby, and to light up my Grandma's eyes when she meets Squishy for the first time.

My weekly appointments are on Wednesdays, so my almost 37 week appointment went like this:

• BP 109/70
• HR 68
• Total weight gain 37 lbs
• FHR 136
• Measuring 35 cm
• Baby head down

Baby had a BIG growth spurt since my last appointment 2 weeks ago! Praise God for growth and calming my nerves. If you remember from my 35 week pregnancy update, I was a tad on edge because baby was measuring 4 cm behind - 31 cm at almost 35 weeks. Well, in 2 weeks baby grew "4 cm"! I only gained 1 lb in the last 2 weeks and I wouldn't be surprised if most of it went to baby!

Top: 34 weeks, 37 weeks
Bottom: 35 weeks, 37 weeks

I feel like Squishy is dropping now, definitely more pressure and just looks and feels lower. My belly really "popped" in the last couple of days...more so literally yesterday! I just cannot believe I'm full term. The first 2 trimesters went by at a nice pace...but this third has just ZOOMED by. Explain that to me!

The little mister has been extra snuggly, especially on nap days. I'm not complaining...not one bit!

36 Weeks Pregnant

Okay. It's like REALLY sinking in just how close this all is getting. Just 3 days ago we began the official "month to go"countdown and now we're in the "less than a month" category. 4 weeks as of today! You know? I've been getting a lot of "oh I bet you're ready to be done, aren't you?" comments lately. Probably now more than ever. And you know what? I'm not really itching for this pregnancy to be done. I'm very happy with the pace of the pregnancy, which is good...because I can't make it slow down or go faster anyway! I'm not ridiculously uncomfortable and aching to get this baby out, I'm just really trying to savor all the pregnant moments because this might be my last. Which makes me sad, but I'm being realistic because we both just don't know. There's no way for us to know until we're "there", we've decided.

Here's some more pregnancy updates and happenings lately:

• Still not feeling big, but baby is growing so it's all good
• Weekly appointments start this Wednesday and I have the rest booked!
• The girls are growing again...getting ready I suppose
• No swelling, but I didn't swell last time at all
• Hips/pelvis very achy by the end of the day. Actually, when I settle into bed at night it REALLY hurts at first but then things adjust and it's okay.
• Sometimes I sleep through the night, which is a miracle in itself, but I'm usually up once at about 3 to pee - benefit of a long torso and smaller baby I guess!
• No linea nigra, which really surprises me! Did you get one in your pregnancy(ies)? I'd had a light one for weeks by this time with Braden (link below!)
• My belly is CRAZY itchy. I can hardly stand to have any material touching it, at night I let it "air out"...lucky Jay! Baby must be growing and skin stretching
• I'm getting really excited for Braden to be a big brother. All the guilt and worries of the past...are a thing of the past!
• Haven't felt anymore pressure down there....yet. Baby hasn't dropped yet, or I sure haven't felt it
• I get a day out to myself today with my friend Lisa and then it's a date night with friends for me and Jay - yay!
• It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and I totally forgot until last week when my mother-in-law asked us what our plans were. But I'm very glad I get to see my family one more time before baby.

And because I know I'll regret it if I don't do it...some bare belly pics again this week! Also if you would like to see what I looked like with Braden at 36 weeks, go on and take a look! I think I was more "out there" with my belly and that I look heavier this time...because I am...with a smaller belly!

Until then, I'm enjoying all the kicks, rolls, and body parts jabbing out of my belly. But there is one thing that I just don't enjoy anymore, allow me to present you with another edition of Pregnant Problems, especially now that Melissa isn't pregnant anymore!

30 Before 30 - 1/2 Way Update

So back in April, when I entered the last year of my 20's I did a post on 30 goals I wanted to reach before I turned 30. Seeing as how it was my 1/2 birthday yesterday...I figured I'd give you an update as to where I stand!

14/30 aren't too bad...and a lot of them are works in progress. Let me explain a little more:

• I have used my Speedlite...but haven't really learned it yet - get on it!
• I didn't end up doing the 1/2 triathlon at 21 weeks pregnant...what was I thinking? REALLY!? I've made it my new goal, instead, to do it next June when I'll be almost 8 months post-partum, that's a bit more realistic!
• I am definitely meeting more than my quota of 1 new recipe a month! 
• Money for a vacation...not a priority right now, but I will start setting even just a little bit aside
• We will obviously have a baby soon!
• We do go to church every Sunday when we're home, I can only think of one Sunday when it was just me and Braden that I didn't go on purpose...because it's really hard to go to church with him by myself with no Sunday school in the summer
• I am not perfect, but I do make a point of at least tidying my kitchen every night. 
• A massage every 4 weeks? What was I thinking! In an ideal world, and in my last pregnancy - I did! BUT I had time and lots of money! I've had them about every 6 weeks with this pregnancy and would like 1 or 2 after baby comes!
• The dog probably isn't getting walked as much as she should....but I do make more of an effort than I normally do, but also being almost 36 weeks pregnant and being one constant Braxton-Hicks contraction when I walk...not very comfortable for me!
• We donate to charities mostly around Christmas but I do donate to MS bike tour and other things throughout the the year
• Jay is supposed to be planning our steak date night before baby comes - YUM!
• If we're lucky we might be doing a day trip to Banff or Canmore next week with Braden!
• I will be making/freezing meals in the next few weeks
• I'm going fabric shopping for the chairs this Friday
• I have to look presentable every day...or I feel awful, truly...though I know this might slip a bit when baby is born!j

Do you have a 30 before 30 or a 101 in 1001 list? I'd love to see it!

Pregnancy...She Ain't So Glamorous + 35 Weeks

Since the movie What To Expect When You're Expecting came out on DVD a couple of weeks ago, I've already watched it twice. The first time I watched it, I'm glad I watched it alone because there were a few scenes that rendered me bawling like a pregnant, hormonal mess...while other scenes had me laughing so hard I almost peed myself....like a pregnant, hormonal mess!

One of the scenes, which I desperately tried to find the full movie quote and/or video clip to no avail, that is the best ever was Elizabeth Banks' character Wendy's speech on pregnancy.

[source]

"I just wanted the glow. The one that they promise you on the cover of those magazines. Well, I'm calling it - pregnancy sucks. Making a human being is really hard. I have no control over my body or my emotions. Gar-bear, I'm sorry, all I want to do is punch you in the face..." -- Wendy

I really wish I could find the rest of the speech for you because [I apologize in advance to the men & my grandma who reads this!] there is a part about so much pressure "down there" that it feels like I got kicked in the vag - it's the only way I can describe it! I can attest. TMI? Probably, but it's pregnancy and it's true.

In all honesty, I love being pregnant. I really, really do. I had an amazing, fairly uneventful pregnancy with Braden, worked (not a lot), but worked until 10 days before my due date, felt truly great for the most part. This time? It's different. I haven't felt like I had "the glow" either. I think this is why, in the beginning, I was absolutely convinced that this is a girl. They say baby girls suck all the beauty out of their mothers...and that's exactly what I felt like. My skin was (and still does occasionally) breaking out, I feel like I puffed out in the face a bit faster, my hair was not thick and luscious, and I just felt BLAH.

The character Wendy in the movie battled to get pregnant for 2 years, so she wanted to enjoy the glow of pregnancy and cherish the precious miracle...but soon realizes that "pregnancy sucks". This time, I gotta side a bit more with her! My hips and pelvis are achy and feel so unstable and they have for weeks. I get the pressure, I've got some varicose veins, sciatic nerve pain rendering me near helpless - so glamorous! BUT, after a few attempts at asking my sweet husband if he would carry the baby for the last 5 weeks...he responded the other night with "thank you for carrying our baby." Best.line.ever!

But in the end...it's oh so worth it and that's the part that I'm truly looking forward to!

So, in other news...I'm 35 weeks today! That really cool milestone of 35 weeks down and 35 days to go!

I had an appointment on Wednesday and....

• FHR 140
• BP 116/66
• HR 68
• Measuring 31 cm, so 4 cm small
• Total weight gain 35 lbs
• Baby head down still!

For the first time really ever in this pregnancy, before my chiropractor appointment I really started to get anxious about what my belly would measure. With Braden I measured small, always. 1-2 cm smaller. With this one I've been 2 to now 4 cm smaller. Why was I a bit anxious? Well baby has a 2 vessel cord and while my extra ultrasound at 23 weeks was great...one of the "side effects" of a 2 vessel cord can be slow growth.

My logical brain knows.... There is nothing we can do to make baby grow more, no sense worrying, put it in His hands.
My mommy brain thinks... Why am I measuring so small? WHY!?

I'm honestly not worried that something is wrong with my baby. For some reason, if you can understand, it just bothers me. Also, a couple of months ago I truly came to a peaceful place about my pregnancy weight gain and decided not to focus on the scale and worry about every pound I gained or everything that went into my mouth. I have enjoyed some lots of chocolates and ice cream and have not felt guilty about it. And then I gained over 5lbs in between my last appointments...which were 16 days apart. Sigh. Here we go again? Worry and obsessing over the scale? NO. I refuse. Don't do it, Sarah...who cares?


So what if it feels like all the weight I'm gaining is going to my ass and not to my baby!? Haha, sorry to be harsh, but it's truly how I feel. People have been commenting lately on how "tiny" I am...I can only assume that they are talking about my bump, and that's fine..I think it is. I don't think I look 35 lbs heavier, but trust me...I feel it in my bum! That's where all my pregnancy weight goes, and that's okay. I hope that Squishy can suck it all off like Braden did and I'll be back in my skinny jeans in no time. (But who am I kidding, I will continue to live in my Momiform of yoga pants!)

Also here is my 35 week post from last time...I find it utterly ridiculous that it begins with a "Pregnant and Loving It" icon! HA!