Thursday, November 22, 2012

Dear Dad, Goodbye

If you're new around here, you might want to read this and this, or this post won't make much sense. If not? That's okay too.

Something had been pressing on my heart to try. Just try one last time to reach out to my dad. There was a big part of me that thought "forget it! HE is the one who broke this, so HE should be the one to fix it!" But knowing how stubborn he is, and quite frankly that he is male, I wasn't sure if he would ever take initiative to do anything at all. My mom had talked to him recently and told him to leave us kids alone and to let us come to him if we ever wanted to try to fix our relationship. To be honest, I didn't want the proverbial ball in my court, so with a lot of prayer and that push I needed...I wrote my dad a letter.

I told him that I didn't honestly know if our relationship would ever be repairable. Though I had told him many times in the past what I needed from him (sobriety, honesty, trying to build trust again), I told him he had to figure it out for himself if he wanted to fix things. I wrote my letter very neutrally. I didn't write it out of hate, or quite frankly out of loving, encouragement either. I asked him to please leave my husband out of this (he still texts and calls Jay once in awhile, I changed my number so he doesn't have it) and that it should be just between us. I told him that if he did want to move forward I wanted my kids out of it (for now) and for his companion to be left out of it too, so we could just focus on the two of us without the background noise.

Jay got a phone call, and then a message from my dad last week after he got my letter. Long and short of it? He said he didn't understand my letter, he said it didn't make any sense, and that he wants nothing to do with us. The one thing I don't understand, is that if he says he doesn't understand my letter...why doesn't he want to clarify his misunderstandings? He told us to leave him alone, that he's happy, and to not call or contact him anymore. I haven't had contact with him for over 6 months and the time I reach out to extend the littlest olive branch...this is what I get.

It's okay, really. It's closure for me. As I've said before, the dad that I grew up with, the man that I loved as my father has long since disappeared. He's drown in his addiction and has boiled over in anger and bitterness towards pretty much everyone and everything in his past life.

I keep clinging to 1 Thessalonians 5:18 "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." So I am thankful for this circumstance. I don't know why my dad shut the door in my face and doesn't even want to try. But I trust in the Lord that this is His plan. One day I will understand why.

For now, this chapter of my life has ended. I won't be mentioning my dad on this blog anymore, unless something positive comes of it. I, for the life of me, will never understand how he has chosen his current life over a life filled with his family, including his 3 grandchildren (2 of which he hasn't even met or barely seen pictures of)...but it's not my plan to understand.

Thank you, to all of you, who have continually supported me these last few months of me sharing this story for you. I'm so thankful that I have shared it, it has opened up my heart and helped to heal it at the same time.

Bless you!