Dear Dad, Goodbye

If you're new around here, you might want to read this and this, or this post won't make much sense. If not? That's okay too.

Something had been pressing on my heart to try. Just try one last time to reach out to my dad. There was a big part of me that thought "forget it! HE is the one who broke this, so HE should be the one to fix it!" But knowing how stubborn he is, and quite frankly that he is male, I wasn't sure if he would ever take initiative to do anything at all. My mom had talked to him recently and told him to leave us kids alone and to let us come to him if we ever wanted to try to fix our relationship. To be honest, I didn't want the proverbial ball in my court, so with a lot of prayer and that push I needed...I wrote my dad a letter.

I told him that I didn't honestly know if our relationship would ever be repairable. Though I had told him many times in the past what I needed from him (sobriety, honesty, trying to build trust again), I told him he had to figure it out for himself if he wanted to fix things. I wrote my letter very neutrally. I didn't write it out of hate, or quite frankly out of loving, encouragement either. I asked him to please leave my husband out of this (he still texts and calls Jay once in awhile, I changed my number so he doesn't have it) and that it should be just between us. I told him that if he did want to move forward I wanted my kids out of it (for now) and for his companion to be left out of it too, so we could just focus on the two of us without the background noise.

Jay got a phone call, and then a message from my dad last week after he got my letter. Long and short of it? He said he didn't understand my letter, he said it didn't make any sense, and that he wants nothing to do with us. The one thing I don't understand, is that if he says he doesn't understand my letter...why doesn't he want to clarify his misunderstandings? He told us to leave him alone, that he's happy, and to not call or contact him anymore. I haven't had contact with him for over 6 months and the time I reach out to extend the littlest olive branch...this is what I get.

It's okay, really. It's closure for me. As I've said before, the dad that I grew up with, the man that I loved as my father has long since disappeared. He's drown in his addiction and has boiled over in anger and bitterness towards pretty much everyone and everything in his past life.

I keep clinging to 1 Thessalonians 5:18 "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." So I am thankful for this circumstance. I don't know why my dad shut the door in my face and doesn't even want to try. But I trust in the Lord that this is His plan. One day I will understand why.

For now, this chapter of my life has ended. I won't be mentioning my dad on this blog anymore, unless something positive comes of it. I, for the life of me, will never understand how he has chosen his current life over a life filled with his family, including his 3 grandchildren (2 of which he hasn't even met or barely seen pictures of)...but it's not my plan to understand.

Thank you, to all of you, who have continually supported me these last few months of me sharing this story for you. I'm so thankful that I have shared it, it has opened up my heart and helped to heal it at the same time.

Bless you!

On Being a Daughter of an Alcoholic

As you will soon be able to tell, I wrote this post months ago. It's been on my heart a lot lately and I felt it was time to share. With Squishy's due date approaching and only one grandfather figure in his/her life...I just needed to reflect on why that is. It makes me sad...and you'll see why... (This is a long and wordy post...but it all needed to be said).

I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to hit publish and actually post this on my blog. I sit at my computer in my dark kitchen on the night of May 8, 2012 as the rain is falling outside and the light of the super moon is gone, as if God knew I would be feeling the darkness tonight. My boys are asleep and I’ve never felt so alone as I do right now. I’ve texted my brother and my mom and my sister-in-law and of course they are all sleeping away in dreamland, as to be expected near 11:30 PM on a weeknight. 

I had this “feeling” at bedtime. Jay was home early from seeding because of the rain so we watched a movie and were ready for bed shortly after 11. I had a little idea pop into my head about using a quote on my blog for next week that my mom posted on Facebook. 

“I never lie to someone I trust, I never trust someone who has lied to me.” 

I was hoping that if I did that he would get the message, that it would somehow reach out and shake him from his computer screen. My “feeling” was right. I knew I would have trouble sleeping tonight, I just couldn’t shake it. With a nearly 15 week old fetus [at the time] pressing down on my bladder I decided to make one last trip to the bathroom. As I settled back into bed and rolled over, I noticed my phone light up on my nightstand with a new email message. From him. My dad. The "him" I am talking about...

Out of respect, mainly for my mom, I had never talked about my dad on this blog, until I posted this. Sure there have been pictures over the years and stories of family gatherings. But not of what is really happening. You may or may not have noticed that as of pretty much the last year, I never even mention him anymore. Not since last Christmas. It’s always going to “my mom’s house” or “mom is coming over” it hasn’t been “my parents” for quite some time now. 

His email, was essentially this: “Bought a house outside of Canada, retiring next week. Have a nice life. Love, Dad”

That’s it.

He’s been my father for over 29 years. And that’s it?! That’s all I got? But you know what overtakes his role of being my father?  The grandfather to my child(ren)? The thing that has been an absolute poison in his life? His alcoholism. His addiction. I have no idea how long he’s been an alcoholic. Years? Decades? I don’t know. But I discovered it firsthand over 2 years ago and I’ve been battling my own demons of being a daughter of an alcoholic. It’s a family disease, and I never knew that until I realized how awful alcohol can be.

I am not going to dive into all the details, because I don’t want to, and that part I feel truly is only my business. But what I will tell you, is that chance after chance, and trying to trust that my dad was sober and stay sober, and catching him in lie after lie after lie...I made a heart-breaking decision to cut him out of my life, mainly for the protection of Braden at the end of last winter. I want to make it very clear that my dad never physically hurt me or my family, it was all emotional damage done. You see, he’s a closet drinker, and even worse than that, he lies about it, making it impossible for me to trust him, and particularly impossible to trust him being around my child(ren).

So now he has officially chosen alcohol over his kids and grandkids. I feel so abandoned, even though he hasn’t really been actively in my life for over half a year. I’ve been praying for him, that he would have a revelation and wake up one day and say to himself “what am I doing?” My brother and I have made it very clear to him that while he is still drinking, we both cannot trust him and cannot allow him to be in our lives, and especially in our children’s lives. I have always been very open about wanting nothing but the best for him, and that I would always be here to pick up the phone if he wanted to talk, until this summer.

It was my bottom line. I had to. If there is no bottom line, then it’s almost guaranteed that nothing will change, on part of the addict in your life. 

Now he’s leaving. Just like that. Or is it a lie? A last ditch attempt to suck me and my brother back into his life? Turns out, it was a lie, of course. An attempt to suck us all into a big game. But now in the present time, he has moved out of province and I haven't spoken to him since the beginning of June.

 

What will I tell Braden? He’s too young to understand, but what if he looks back at pictures of my dad and asks me “where’s that Papa?” What do I tell him? I think what hurts me the most is that I had an amazing childhood, as twisted as that sounds. It was amazing, in fact. I had a wonderful, supportive, loving dad...and I will never forget the dad that he was. But, that does not excuse him from the monster he has turned into today. He cannot rest on his laurels and expect that all the good years make up for these last 2 awful years.

I just live with such sadness in my heart that Braden will never get to know the dad that he was and the grandpa that I know he could be and started out to be the first almost 2 years of Braden's life. My father will never meet Squishy. He doesn’t care enough to change, or he would, and that hurts me so badly. 

I know that alcoholism is a disease. An addiction. There isn’t a magical pill that he can take every day to stay sober and to fix whatever emotional/mental/anger problems that come with his addiction. But I cannot understand for the life of me why he hasn’t done anything and everything to change. To stop. If my children and grandchildren were on the line, if I was told I would never have a relationship with them if I didn’t stop my addiction, I would stop at NOTHING to make sure I got better and to prove to myself and to my family that I could stop because that’s how much I love them.

I guess it’s just not that simple. I get the disease. I work with the disease almost every single shift at work. I have seen a 29 year old man nearly die in front of my eyes due to alcoholism related illness. It’s not easy. I know. There are relapses and recovery periods. You are ALWAYS an alcoholic, but you can be in recovery and be sober for the rest of your life if you chose.

I started going to Al-Anon meetings not long after I discovered my dad’s problem, at the advice of a pastor. It helped, it helped a lot. I like the literature, but the group meetings just weren’t “for me”. I know that this is not my fault, how I choose to feel...is completely up to me. Right now, I feel so much better just typing this all out. I know there’s nothing I could have done to change the outcome of this situation. It’s all my dad’s choice.

I gave him hope.
I gave him a chance to be back in my life if he could stop drinking and stay sober.
He chose poorly.
He didn't like my "rules" and is full of anger and hate towards me and my family.
Pointing fingers and refusing to take any responsibility.

I will be open to letting him back in my life if he is sober and if he can prove to me that I can trust him...but he's showing no signs that he truly understands that or even wants that...and if he ever does, it will take a LOT. As I said in this post, the man that used to be my dad is essentially dead. All I have are memories.

I will pray every single day that he will “let go and let God”, give in to his Higher Power, and fight the demons of alcoholism.

Dear Dad, Why?

We celebrated a wedding yesterday between two amazing and wonderful people who have two amazing, loving, & welcoming families. Jay has been a best friend of the groom's since junior high and from the few times we've spent with his new bride, we can tell she's just an amazing person, like him. When you marry your spouse, you may not realize it...but you marry their family too. Sometimes your spouse might not have a close relationship with their family, and you may not either...but you are still connected to them forever. The couple's family...felt like our own. They were so welcoming to all of their guests it was such a blessing to be a part of such a wonderful celebration.

At the rehearsal dinner I sat across from the bride's father. The bride sat down and said "Hey, Pops!" On the eve of the happiest day of her life, I could tell she was happy and her dad was just beaming with pride.

Then this awful thought popped into my head:

"I wonder what she would feel like if I told her she'd find out that in just over 3 years her dad, the man who would be walking her down the aisle tomorrow, would turn out to be an alcoholic, relapse out of rehab twice, be getting divorced from his wife, sell his home, lose his job, and essentially lose all of his family through that process?"

I, of course, would never wish this on her. I just had a moment of reflection of me and my dad at my wedding. I told Jay that I had that thought last night, and that if someone said that to me 5 years ago I would have bet my life that they were full of "it". 

I looked at her and I saw the bride that I once was. Weddings are so happy and full of joy. They bring two people - the bride and the groom - together as one. They also bring two families and a lot of friends together in this joyous occasion.

I looked at her and prayed that she would never go through what I have gone through the last 2 years of my life.


I looked at her and was sad, for the bride that I once was. The bride who's father who walked her down the aisle with tears in his eyes....who she now doesn't speak to anymore.
I looked at her and wanted to cry a bit, for the memory of the man that my dad once was. The man I grew up knowing and loving.


And then at their amazing reception...I saw something that really made me want to run off and cry:

A grandfather dancing with his granddaughter. Hunched over, holding her tiny little hands as they danced together. My dad has yet to meet his one and only granddaughter, and he will not be meeting Squishy either, unless he turns his life around.

The bride also danced to the song "I Loved Her First" by Heartland which was part of my father/daughter dance song too. It made me remember how much I loved my dad on my wedding day. Those memories are all I have left of him.


All I can do is pray that one day that man returns into our lives.

I'm not trying to be a buzz-kill after and amazing weekend. I have a ton of wonderful, happy, joyful news and pictures to share. But this was on my heart and sometimes I wear my heart on my blog.

Proverbs are Good for My Whole Family

So the ladies at #SheReadsTruth put together their 4th (my 3rd) bible study. We got August long weekend off from studies, which was really nice, and then we started a 31 day plan of reading Proverbs together. It's been on my heart a lot that I need to read Proverbs, so this was just perfect!

So I learned me a little bit about Proverbs. Solomon wrote these proverbs so we would know how to live well and right and to understand what life means and where it's going. It is a manual for living, for learning what's right and just and fair. They give us a grasp on reality.

Where did I get those wise words from? I wish I could take credit for coming up with that, but my new best friend in my bible studies is my Life Application Study Bible NIV, Personal Size. I cannot remember who it was on my #SheReadsTruth journeys who recommended this to me, but I LOVE it and will use it for years and years to come! It really breaks things down in "simple" language and terms that are more understandable to me. It points things out in the Word that I may have skipped over. I highly recommend it!

So we start Proverbs 1 with this amazingly powerful scripture, verse 7:

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

The first week of Proverbs I'm learning a lot about Godly Wisdom. I have often wondered to myself "how am I going to raise Christian children?" Seriously! Braden has wonderful role models all around him and I love love love the fellowship and community at our little church and I really do trust them in helping us raise our kids, "it takes a village", as they say. But in my study bible it says,

Children learn values, morals, and priorities by observing how their parents act and react everyday. Let them see your reverence for God.

Braden loves church. He did really well for a 2 year old in Sunday School, he loves his children's bible and even pointed out that "Noah's Ark" is his "favowit stowy" the other night which absolutely made my soul smile. A little more on parenting in Proverbs 4 from my study bible is:

One of the greatest responsibilities of parents is to encourage their children to become wise. Wisdom can be passed, but all wisdom comes from God. Learn from the Scriptures and then create a legacy of wisdom as you teach your own children. If you want wisdom - GO AFTER IT!

We are creating a legacy for our children. How awesome is that? And yet so scary at the same time! Then in Proverbs 6 it tells us that as children grow increasingly independent with their age - which is a good thing - as they become young adults is when they need our advice, our wisdom, the most. I'm so scared to have teenagers, let's not even go there quite yet!

So we're learning about wisdom and we're also learning a lot about temptation. The Word brings up the word "fool" a lot. I can't help but think of my dad. God is teaching me more and more everyday on how I can handle the situation with my dad. I feel that Satan is trying to drive a wedge, not only between me and my relationship with God, but also between my dad and all my family members. I am stronger, I will keep praying, and it's just not going to happen.

My son, pay close attention to my wisdom, turn your ear to my words of insight, so that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge. 

Proverbs 5:1-2 NIV

And in The Message: You will acquire a taste for good sense and what God tells you will keep you out of trouble. We need to concentrate on the desires that keep us on a straight path. Don't get sidetracked by people and detours that lead us to sin.

Do what I say and you will live well. My teaching is as precious as your eye sight - GUARD IT! Write it on the back of your hands; etch it in the chambers of your heart.

Proverbs 7:2-3 MSG

What scares me the most about my dad, is that without an aim in life or direction, an empty life is unstable, and vulnerable to many temptations. To combat temptation make sure your life is full of God's Word and wisdom! In spite of his anger and his seemingly doubtful attitude towards faith and Christianity, I know it is buried way down deep within him, so I have made it very clear that I will keep praying for him and that I will send him Scripture if God wills me to do so. I want him to know that through God there is always hope.

Yesterday in church I felt compelled to share my story again. The leader at the service wanted us to share encouragement or any stories from the summer. I bravely stood up in front of the congregation and told them, as I had before, that a long story short - my dad is an alcoholic. I told them about you, about the amazing #SheReadsTruth community that I have been involved in over the last 7 weeks. I said that my dad is spiraling downwards and is the worst he's ever been. It's scary for me and my family, he is being a bully and causing such hurt and pain among us. But my light is the relationship I've formed with my Heavenly Father. I've said it so many times that I need Him now more than ever when my dad isn't present in my life anymore. I'm so thankful that God has drawn me so close when my dad has pushed me so far away. I shared this to share how happy I was, in spite of all the crazy going on with my dad. I am truly thankful for everything that God has given me (1 Thessalonians 5:17). My amazing father-in-law, and a lot of other members of the church, came up and prayed over me. I felt so refreshed and could feel my anxieties being lifted from me. He also prayed for my dad and that he would turn to God.

The "funny" thing is, we had just gotten a voicemail from my dad that morning telling us "tell Sarah to send me all the Scripture she wants" in a mean, sarcastic kind of way. So when I feel compelled to, I certainly will. He called Jay 3 times when I was sharing my story and being prayed for. He cannot crush my spirit, God is making it stronger in me.

Thanks again, for reading...if you've managed to get to the end! :)

Keepin' It Real With #SheReadsTruth

Friends, this journey that I'm on...I need it. I can't put it any other way - I.need.this. In my life...right now.

A term I would never imagined I would think of using - estranged - now describes the relationship between me and my dad. I haven't seen him for almost 6 months and I'm at an unfortunate part for my own sanity that I can no longer even communicate with him. Text messages are blocked, emails are blocked, and I don't even have voicemail on my phone because I do not want to hear "it". He is sick, very sick mentally. It's at a point where no matter what I (or anyone else, for that matter) says or does, he will not listen and he does what he wants anyway. There comes a point where if you stick around, you end up hurting yourself and enabling the behavior.

I haven't done a #SheReadsTruth update in awhile. I could do a full-on post every day, but I am really enjoying this intimate relationship with God that I'm forming and I feel that so much of it is private. I finished the first "Living The Surrendered Life" study a couple of weeks ago, and dove right into the next 21 day "Prayer" study which is currently on day 19. I thought I'd share with you some highlights of my "Prayer" study and why I need this in my life right now.

As I said, my dad is ill. He has a disease. Not many people consider alcoholism to be a disease, but it is defined as one, and as an ER nurse I see it in my profession on a daily basis. He has said and done some very hurtful things to me and my family in the past week...perhaps some irreparable damage. One thing he texted to Jay that struck me to my core was "tell Sarah to pray all she wants." He knows I am a Christian and that my faith is growing. I've sent him scripture through the course of my involvement in his disease for the last 1.5 years. The last good talk I had with him was after I had read Romans 12:12. I told him he needed to be joyful in hope, patient in his suffering, and faithful in his prayer. Only God could help him, but he had to try and help himself too. I would email him certain scriptures I had come across over this study but wouldn't hear back. Until that text. Ouch. That was my first reaction - ouch. He's making fun of me? He doesn't believe in the power of prayer? I have spent the last 19 days learning about and appreciating prayer more than I ever thought I was capable of. I do my studies in the evening. Braden is asleep, it's quiet and calm and I can focus on Him. You know what the scripture was that night?

 

As I opened up my YouVersion Bible app (you need this app - seriously!) I had it set on The Message version of the bible, and I needed to read it in those words. PRAY ALL THE TIME! THIS IS THE WAY GOD WANTS ME TO LIVE! Wow. I smiled a big smile...then cried tears of joy and showed Jay my phone. "He can't bring me down with his words." I told Jay. "I'll never stop praying!" And I won't. I'll never stop praying for my dad. Jay told me that God tells us what we need to hear, when we need to hear it...boy was he ever right. Bless my husband!

I am still using my "Grateful" app. Not as faithfully as I should, I really need to remind myself to try and do it every night, because there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for at the end of every day, even if it's a bad day, there's always something! Many of the scriptures have a recurring theme of "cry out to the Lord". Let me tell you, I've been crying out and He is listening AND answering. When I first started this study I felt totally lost without the devotional. It was just scripture and I was left to my own devices as to what to make of it. As I chatted with some of the #SheReadsTruth ladies via the Instagram feed, I learned to look at different versions of the scripture - The Message, NIV, KJV, etc...and it's amazing how the same message can be conveyed so clearly in a different wording of it! I thought it would be over my head...me trying to interpret the Word all by my lonesome! But you know what? It's not intimidating anymore and I don't have to "cheat" and look what others are saying, though I still like to see how they interpret it too.

God spoke to me again this week, words that I needed to read. For my life and understanding about my dad right now. This was Saturday, Day 17's scripture:

Don't shoot off your mouth, or speak before you think. Don't be too quick to tell God what you think he wants to hear. God's in charge, not you -- the less you speak, the better. Overwork makes for restless sleep. Over talk shows you up as a fool. When you tell God you'll do something, do it -- now. God takes no pleasure in foolish gabble. Vow it, then do it. Far better not to vow in the first place than to vow and not pay up. Don't let your mouth make a total sinner of you. When called to account, you won't get by with "Sorry, I didn't mean it." Why risk provoking God to angry retaliation? But against all illusion and fantasy and empty talk, there's always this rock foundation: Fear God!

-- Ecclesiates 5:2-7 (MSG)

Don't run your mouth - the less you speak - the better. God is in charge - not you! Another big THANK YOU for having this study in my life. I don't think I could have found more perfect scripture if I tried. God is working wonders in my life, and that is why I am so at peace with my life. I'm not happy about the relationship my dad has created between us and the rest of our family, but it is out of my control, and knowing that it is in God's hands is pretty much the only thing getting me through it.

I have been reading my bible and doing devotionals for 40 days now. This something I've been striving for and felt that I have needed, and as I said when this started, it was an answer to my prayers!

Thank you for reading this, if you have. It's something I've been waiting for the right moment to share, and God is telling me that now is the time.