Dear Dad, Goodbye

If you're new around here, you might want to read this and this, or this post won't make much sense. If not? That's okay too.

Something had been pressing on my heart to try. Just try one last time to reach out to my dad. There was a big part of me that thought "forget it! HE is the one who broke this, so HE should be the one to fix it!" But knowing how stubborn he is, and quite frankly that he is male, I wasn't sure if he would ever take initiative to do anything at all. My mom had talked to him recently and told him to leave us kids alone and to let us come to him if we ever wanted to try to fix our relationship. To be honest, I didn't want the proverbial ball in my court, so with a lot of prayer and that push I needed...I wrote my dad a letter.

I told him that I didn't honestly know if our relationship would ever be repairable. Though I had told him many times in the past what I needed from him (sobriety, honesty, trying to build trust again), I told him he had to figure it out for himself if he wanted to fix things. I wrote my letter very neutrally. I didn't write it out of hate, or quite frankly out of loving, encouragement either. I asked him to please leave my husband out of this (he still texts and calls Jay once in awhile, I changed my number so he doesn't have it) and that it should be just between us. I told him that if he did want to move forward I wanted my kids out of it (for now) and for his companion to be left out of it too, so we could just focus on the two of us without the background noise.

Jay got a phone call, and then a message from my dad last week after he got my letter. Long and short of it? He said he didn't understand my letter, he said it didn't make any sense, and that he wants nothing to do with us. The one thing I don't understand, is that if he says he doesn't understand my letter...why doesn't he want to clarify his misunderstandings? He told us to leave him alone, that he's happy, and to not call or contact him anymore. I haven't had contact with him for over 6 months and the time I reach out to extend the littlest olive branch...this is what I get.

It's okay, really. It's closure for me. As I've said before, the dad that I grew up with, the man that I loved as my father has long since disappeared. He's drown in his addiction and has boiled over in anger and bitterness towards pretty much everyone and everything in his past life.

I keep clinging to 1 Thessalonians 5:18 "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." So I am thankful for this circumstance. I don't know why my dad shut the door in my face and doesn't even want to try. But I trust in the Lord that this is His plan. One day I will understand why.

For now, this chapter of my life has ended. I won't be mentioning my dad on this blog anymore, unless something positive comes of it. I, for the life of me, will never understand how he has chosen his current life over a life filled with his family, including his 3 grandchildren (2 of which he hasn't even met or barely seen pictures of)...but it's not my plan to understand.

Thank you, to all of you, who have continually supported me these last few months of me sharing this story for you. I'm so thankful that I have shared it, it has opened up my heart and helped to heal it at the same time.

Bless you!

On Being a Daughter of an Alcoholic

As you will soon be able to tell, I wrote this post months ago. It's been on my heart a lot lately and I felt it was time to share. With Squishy's due date approaching and only one grandfather figure in his/her life...I just needed to reflect on why that is. It makes me sad...and you'll see why... (This is a long and wordy post...but it all needed to be said).

I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to hit publish and actually post this on my blog. I sit at my computer in my dark kitchen on the night of May 8, 2012 as the rain is falling outside and the light of the super moon is gone, as if God knew I would be feeling the darkness tonight. My boys are asleep and I’ve never felt so alone as I do right now. I’ve texted my brother and my mom and my sister-in-law and of course they are all sleeping away in dreamland, as to be expected near 11:30 PM on a weeknight. 

I had this “feeling” at bedtime. Jay was home early from seeding because of the rain so we watched a movie and were ready for bed shortly after 11. I had a little idea pop into my head about using a quote on my blog for next week that my mom posted on Facebook. 

“I never lie to someone I trust, I never trust someone who has lied to me.” 

I was hoping that if I did that he would get the message, that it would somehow reach out and shake him from his computer screen. My “feeling” was right. I knew I would have trouble sleeping tonight, I just couldn’t shake it. With a nearly 15 week old fetus [at the time] pressing down on my bladder I decided to make one last trip to the bathroom. As I settled back into bed and rolled over, I noticed my phone light up on my nightstand with a new email message. From him. My dad. The "him" I am talking about...

Out of respect, mainly for my mom, I had never talked about my dad on this blog, until I posted this. Sure there have been pictures over the years and stories of family gatherings. But not of what is really happening. You may or may not have noticed that as of pretty much the last year, I never even mention him anymore. Not since last Christmas. It’s always going to “my mom’s house” or “mom is coming over” it hasn’t been “my parents” for quite some time now. 

His email, was essentially this: “Bought a house outside of Canada, retiring next week. Have a nice life. Love, Dad”

That’s it.

He’s been my father for over 29 years. And that’s it?! That’s all I got? But you know what overtakes his role of being my father?  The grandfather to my child(ren)? The thing that has been an absolute poison in his life? His alcoholism. His addiction. I have no idea how long he’s been an alcoholic. Years? Decades? I don’t know. But I discovered it firsthand over 2 years ago and I’ve been battling my own demons of being a daughter of an alcoholic. It’s a family disease, and I never knew that until I realized how awful alcohol can be.

I am not going to dive into all the details, because I don’t want to, and that part I feel truly is only my business. But what I will tell you, is that chance after chance, and trying to trust that my dad was sober and stay sober, and catching him in lie after lie after lie...I made a heart-breaking decision to cut him out of my life, mainly for the protection of Braden at the end of last winter. I want to make it very clear that my dad never physically hurt me or my family, it was all emotional damage done. You see, he’s a closet drinker, and even worse than that, he lies about it, making it impossible for me to trust him, and particularly impossible to trust him being around my child(ren).

So now he has officially chosen alcohol over his kids and grandkids. I feel so abandoned, even though he hasn’t really been actively in my life for over half a year. I’ve been praying for him, that he would have a revelation and wake up one day and say to himself “what am I doing?” My brother and I have made it very clear to him that while he is still drinking, we both cannot trust him and cannot allow him to be in our lives, and especially in our children’s lives. I have always been very open about wanting nothing but the best for him, and that I would always be here to pick up the phone if he wanted to talk, until this summer.

It was my bottom line. I had to. If there is no bottom line, then it’s almost guaranteed that nothing will change, on part of the addict in your life. 

Now he’s leaving. Just like that. Or is it a lie? A last ditch attempt to suck me and my brother back into his life? Turns out, it was a lie, of course. An attempt to suck us all into a big game. But now in the present time, he has moved out of province and I haven't spoken to him since the beginning of June.

 

What will I tell Braden? He’s too young to understand, but what if he looks back at pictures of my dad and asks me “where’s that Papa?” What do I tell him? I think what hurts me the most is that I had an amazing childhood, as twisted as that sounds. It was amazing, in fact. I had a wonderful, supportive, loving dad...and I will never forget the dad that he was. But, that does not excuse him from the monster he has turned into today. He cannot rest on his laurels and expect that all the good years make up for these last 2 awful years.

I just live with such sadness in my heart that Braden will never get to know the dad that he was and the grandpa that I know he could be and started out to be the first almost 2 years of Braden's life. My father will never meet Squishy. He doesn’t care enough to change, or he would, and that hurts me so badly. 

I know that alcoholism is a disease. An addiction. There isn’t a magical pill that he can take every day to stay sober and to fix whatever emotional/mental/anger problems that come with his addiction. But I cannot understand for the life of me why he hasn’t done anything and everything to change. To stop. If my children and grandchildren were on the line, if I was told I would never have a relationship with them if I didn’t stop my addiction, I would stop at NOTHING to make sure I got better and to prove to myself and to my family that I could stop because that’s how much I love them.

I guess it’s just not that simple. I get the disease. I work with the disease almost every single shift at work. I have seen a 29 year old man nearly die in front of my eyes due to alcoholism related illness. It’s not easy. I know. There are relapses and recovery periods. You are ALWAYS an alcoholic, but you can be in recovery and be sober for the rest of your life if you chose.

I started going to Al-Anon meetings not long after I discovered my dad’s problem, at the advice of a pastor. It helped, it helped a lot. I like the literature, but the group meetings just weren’t “for me”. I know that this is not my fault, how I choose to feel...is completely up to me. Right now, I feel so much better just typing this all out. I know there’s nothing I could have done to change the outcome of this situation. It’s all my dad’s choice.

I gave him hope.
I gave him a chance to be back in my life if he could stop drinking and stay sober.
He chose poorly.
He didn't like my "rules" and is full of anger and hate towards me and my family.
Pointing fingers and refusing to take any responsibility.

I will be open to letting him back in my life if he is sober and if he can prove to me that I can trust him...but he's showing no signs that he truly understands that or even wants that...and if he ever does, it will take a LOT. As I said in this post, the man that used to be my dad is essentially dead. All I have are memories.

I will pray every single day that he will “let go and let God”, give in to his Higher Power, and fight the demons of alcoholism.

Dear Dad, Why?

We celebrated a wedding yesterday between two amazing and wonderful people who have two amazing, loving, & welcoming families. Jay has been a best friend of the groom's since junior high and from the few times we've spent with his new bride, we can tell she's just an amazing person, like him. When you marry your spouse, you may not realize it...but you marry their family too. Sometimes your spouse might not have a close relationship with their family, and you may not either...but you are still connected to them forever. The couple's family...felt like our own. They were so welcoming to all of their guests it was such a blessing to be a part of such a wonderful celebration.

At the rehearsal dinner I sat across from the bride's father. The bride sat down and said "Hey, Pops!" On the eve of the happiest day of her life, I could tell she was happy and her dad was just beaming with pride.

Then this awful thought popped into my head:

"I wonder what she would feel like if I told her she'd find out that in just over 3 years her dad, the man who would be walking her down the aisle tomorrow, would turn out to be an alcoholic, relapse out of rehab twice, be getting divorced from his wife, sell his home, lose his job, and essentially lose all of his family through that process?"

I, of course, would never wish this on her. I just had a moment of reflection of me and my dad at my wedding. I told Jay that I had that thought last night, and that if someone said that to me 5 years ago I would have bet my life that they were full of "it". 

I looked at her and I saw the bride that I once was. Weddings are so happy and full of joy. They bring two people - the bride and the groom - together as one. They also bring two families and a lot of friends together in this joyous occasion.

I looked at her and prayed that she would never go through what I have gone through the last 2 years of my life.


I looked at her and was sad, for the bride that I once was. The bride who's father who walked her down the aisle with tears in his eyes....who she now doesn't speak to anymore.
I looked at her and wanted to cry a bit, for the memory of the man that my dad once was. The man I grew up knowing and loving.


And then at their amazing reception...I saw something that really made me want to run off and cry:

A grandfather dancing with his granddaughter. Hunched over, holding her tiny little hands as they danced together. My dad has yet to meet his one and only granddaughter, and he will not be meeting Squishy either, unless he turns his life around.

The bride also danced to the song "I Loved Her First" by Heartland which was part of my father/daughter dance song too. It made me remember how much I loved my dad on my wedding day. Those memories are all I have left of him.


All I can do is pray that one day that man returns into our lives.

I'm not trying to be a buzz-kill after and amazing weekend. I have a ton of wonderful, happy, joyful news and pictures to share. But this was on my heart and sometimes I wear my heart on my blog.

There. I Said It.

You might not like them. Heck, I don't like a lot of them myself. It doesn't mean I want all these things to change, even if I could change them. It's just the truth, even if it's selfish, and I need to say it.

• This pregnancy is so different from Braden. I'm having a really hard time not "complaining" yet, but figure I don't deserve it because I'm only 18 weeks
• I feel guilty that with this pregnancy I'm not "glowing" and happy and feeling awesome like I did with Braden
• I wish I didn't have this constant need to have my house perfectly clean all the time, but I can't sit still if it isn't and I love it when it's clean
• I rarely feel pretty anymore, my skin with this pregnancy has been AWFUL and it's really taking it's toll on the ol' self esteem
• I am very happy with my body right now, despite not feeling very pretty, and I've decided 100% to not care what the scale says, even if I gain 20 more lbs than last time
• I don't need diamonds and rubies, but sometimes I just want people to pay attention to me and offer to do things for me instead of me doing everything for everyone
• I'm having major "daddy" issues in my life right now, and I hope that I have the courage to share them with you one day
• I'm going to a Christian women's retreat at a bible camp for the weekend. I am excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time
• I miss Braden when I've been at work now more that ever. He changes so much every day that I don't want to miss a minute
• I'm not enjoying being at work right now - I'm tired, feel "pregnant" and lazy already, but I really need to get my hours in for maternity leave over the next 3 months
• I am truly starting to look forward to my 1/2 triathlon now. So many girls from work are doing it, and we're doing it as a team and it will be FUN not a "chore" like I've been thinking lately
• I really hate when my husband plays his computer games, even though it doesn't happen every day
• I'm getting very excited about planning Squishy's nursery and I'm really tempted to find out the sex in 5 days at our ultrasound so I can decorate it NOW...but I'll stay strong and won't
• I'm really finding it hard to have any tolerance and/or patience for selfish people in my life
• I've really been enjoying gardening lately, planting my first flower bed, and being outside - it gives me so much self-worth to make these improvements to our outside home
• I bought a lilac tree and I can't wait to watch it grow up
• I wish life weren't so expensive
• I try not to partake in the mommy wars that are going on, but if you bash my mothering choices, I'm going to stand up for them
• Also, if your method doesn't work AND you complain about it AND do nothing to change it, I might tell you my 2 cents...for free
• I'm really starting to hope Squishy is a girl. I don't care, I really don't...would be super happy with another boy, but I reeeeeeeeeally want a girl
• I have no idea how I'm going to poop potty train Braden, it scares me...it must scare him too
• I'm starting to get less anxious when I leave the house with Braden. Yes, I still get anxious. It never stops me from going places, but every stage with him there's always something new to worry about
• I've been very hormonal and emotional lately...maybe that's why this list is so long?

Thanks to Allie for the inspiration for this post.

Braden is 20 Months Old!

So...I guess that's just 4 months away from 2 years old?!? Thanks for pointing that out, by the way, Laura!


He has grown and changed so much this month! This month of growth for not only physically but developmentally has been the fastest since his first month!

New Braden things:

• Calls his blankie "duckie" now...even though he calls ducks "duckies" too
• Can point out a cow in a book, on the TV, or in read life and say "moo"
• Spins around in a circle when he is looking for someone or something with his palms up in the air. HILARIOUS!
• He is getting very good at communicating his needs/wants. He can answer a lot of yes/no questions and has even started saying "no?" sometimes when I ask him to do something :)
• He calls both of his Grandpa's "Papa" now, so cute!
• He can do the all the actions for "Head, Shoulders, Knees, & Toes" except shoulders
• Loves it when I play "This Little Piggy" with his toes & he repeats the action and plays with his toes after
• Plays "Braden? Where are you?" usually in the bathtub at Mom's. It's adorable...he can say his name pretty darn good! (see below)
• He can pick up a camera, look through it as if to take a picture, and say "cheese" he's learning well!
• New words:
• thank you (tha coo)
• excuse me (scoo me)
• turtle 
• cheese (cheeeeeee)
• how you doin'? (how doin'?) SO STINKIN' CUTE! [video/post soon!]
• bum, he even said to me once with a really wet diaper "MY BUM MOM!"
• Bob [as in, Bob the Builder]
• bubble
• doctor
• diaper
• Lukey (Ookey, Dukey...this is the first cousin's name he's been able to say!)
•  Teeth - finally got the 4th front bottom tooth! Drooling like CRAZY when he has his fingers in his mouth, so we still have the 4 eye teeth to go, I can't see any teeth buds
• Sleeping is very consistent. Goes down for his nap from 12 - 2:30/3 and goes to bed 6:30-7:00PM until 7:00 AM and babbles until we get him up at about 7:30. AWESOME!
• Has had two really goopy, gross runny noses already this fall :(
• He would live outside if we let him
• Still loves Thomas but also likes Bob the Builder now (Thomas follows me on Twitter - how cool!)

I'm really enjoying this age again right now. We have our moments where he makes this awful "uh-uh-uh-uh!" whiney sound where I know he wants something and just won't tell me, then I have to remember that I'm the adult, take a deep breath, ask him what he wants...he tells me and we can move on with our bad selves! He is such a sweetheart and still a big goof!

A lot of family members have been saying "he sure doesn't miss much, does he?" If you show him something once. He'll remember. The last time we were at Mom's, Ben showed Braden how to make music with the intake vents...and Braden was upstairs doing the same thing this time! Not much gets by him! Here's what he did this AM while I cleaned, watched some George:

And here's a little snippit right at the beginning of the clip of him saying "Braden". He was sitting on my nightstand (stinker!) and was playing the "Braden? Where are you?" game! If you listen closely it's RIGHT at the beginning. I tried to get him to say it again, but no luck...so the rest of the video is kinda pointless!




How about some votes for Braden's 20 month birthday? And don't forget to like us on Facebook please!

Thanks and have a great rest of your week!

Strange Boy

I've seen posts from friends who's little girls already have to have their purses, sunglasses, necklaces, shoes, etc. on...and it happened to us the first time yesterday! Braden goes to his closet often and pulls things out, what toddler doesn't...well he brought me a pair of Osh Kosh sneakers (old man sneakers, as Jay would say) and asked me in his toddler way to have them on. I sat him in my lap, on the floor, as I often do and put on one...then he didn't seem too interested, so I took that shoe off. Well. BIG MISTAKE!! He was not impressed, started bawling, picked up his shoes, plopped himself down on my lap and I put them both on. He didn't even go outside, he was just in his diaper anyway because his shorts were wet from the water table!

I was cooking supper and as it's been lately, Braden was too hungry to wait, so I pulled all my distraction tactics in my bag and this was his favorite...



I set up the lap top on YouTube with the digger videos - awesome! He is just growing and learning so much lately. He is getting really good at repeating words and sounds and we can actually have mini-conversations with him.

"Braden, do you want some num nums?"

"Yah!" Num num!"

[goes over to pantry]

"What do you want to eat?"

[picks out whatever he wants, sometimes has a debate with himself]

"Go to your num num chair, okay?"

"Okay!"

[as he's eating...]

"Nummy! Yummy! All done!"

He's definitely done signing for the most part and is starting to say his sign words even! This age is an absolute blast and I love baby babble!

Gone be the Rain!

So we had a wonderful weekend in Edmonton, I got to attend Jessica's bridal shower (it's almost 1 month away until the wedding!) and we visited with Huskas, GGT, Uncle Steve and the whole gang! Braden had lots of fun and was an angel on the ride there and back which gives me hope for our 8+ hour drive to BC! The reason why we all got to go to Edmonton was because we are rained out here. With about a day and a half's worth of seeding left, it rained for the last week here but the guys got back out in the field yesterday to finish the job.

Braden could see Jay seeding below the house and was saying "tra-cher! tra-cher! tra-cher!" (tractor) over and over!

He's gotten much better at saying it since I took that video on the weekend. He was absolutely ecstatic to ride on the tractor with daddy (even though he may not look like it!):

It's very hard to take pictures inside the cab!

It's so hard to take a good picture in the cab!

View from our deck of Jay seeding:

Then we were coming home from town and I could see the outfit on top of our hill, but didn't get a great picture of it! Darn!

So Jay is Braden's hero....everything is "tractor!" now and he's even said "dada tractor". He waves and smiles when Jay was seeding below our house, what a little farm boy!