Sunday, September 16, 2012

Dear Dad, Why?

We celebrated a wedding yesterday between two amazing and wonderful people who have two amazing, loving, & welcoming families. Jay has been a best friend of the groom's since junior high and from the few times we've spent with his new bride, we can tell she's just an amazing person, like him. When you marry your spouse, you may not realize it...but you marry their family too. Sometimes your spouse might not have a close relationship with their family, and you may not either...but you are still connected to them forever. The couple's family...felt like our own. They were so welcoming to all of their guests it was such a blessing to be a part of such a wonderful celebration.

At the rehearsal dinner I sat across from the bride's father. The bride sat down and said "Hey, Pops!" On the eve of the happiest day of her life, I could tell she was happy and her dad was just beaming with pride.

Then this awful thought popped into my head:
"I wonder what she would feel like if I told her she'd find out that in just over 3 years her dad, the man who would be walking her down the aisle tomorrow, would turn out to be an alcoholic, relapse out of rehab twice, be getting divorced from his wife, sell his home, lose his job, and essentially lose all of his family through that process?"
I, of course, would never wish this on her. I just had a moment of reflection of me and my dad at my wedding. I told Jay that I had that thought last night, and that if someone said that to me 5 years ago I would have bet my life that they were full of "it". 

I looked at her and I saw the bride that I once was. Weddings are so happy and full of joy. They bring two people - the bride and the groom - together as one. They also bring two families and a lot of friends together in this joyous occasion.

I looked at her and prayed that she would never go through what I have gone through the last 2 years of my life.


I looked at her and was sad, for the bride that I once was. The bride who's father who walked her down the aisle with tears in his eyes....who she now doesn't speak to anymore.
I looked at her and wanted to cry a bit, for the memory of the man that my dad once was. The man I grew up knowing and loving.


And then at their amazing reception...I saw something that really made me want to run off and cry:

A grandfather dancing with his granddaughter. Hunched over, holding her tiny little hands as they danced together. My dad has yet to meet his one and only granddaughter, and he will not be meeting Squishy either, unless he turns his life around.

The bride also danced to the song "I Loved Her First" by Heartland which was part of my father/daughter dance song too. It made me remember how much I loved my dad on my wedding day. Those memories are all I have left of him.


All I can do is pray that one day that man returns into our lives.

I'm not trying to be a buzz-kill after and amazing weekend. I have a ton of wonderful, happy, joyful news and pictures to share. But this was on my heart and sometimes I wear my heart on my blog.
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33 comments:

  1. So sad :( Sorry you've had to go through this with your dad!!

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  2. "I wear my heart on my blog." Love this. I'm sorry for you, and for your dad. :( I hope he makes some changes in his life, soon.

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  3. Thanks so much for sharing. Your story reminds me a lot of my own relationship with my father. I have gone through the pain and isolation of father who was addicted to drugs and it hurts. I pray for him and your family! Be strong!

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    1. I've heard that a few times, I'm really glad I've shared my story. Thank you for your prayers.

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  4. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I have a very similar relationship with my own father. I completely understand your pain and frustration! It just plain sucks to lose someone so important in your life to addiction.

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    1. Thanks for your kind words, Jennifer. Addiction is so tough, there's nothing you can do - they have to do it themselves.

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  5. I agree with the love of "I wear my heart on my blog" so true. I'm sorry that this wedding was bittersweet for you. We still pray for you and your family & I'm always here for you.

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    1. Thank you, my dear friend! I know I can always count on you!

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  6. It's so true that you are marrying the other's family. I think sometimes people forget that.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this with your dad. I hope for everyone in your life and in your father's life he finally realizes he has to get his life back on track and you are able to start building a relationship with him.

    On a happier note, I hope you had a great childless weekend..well, born child-less.. and got to enjoy yourself at the weekend. You look stunning in your wedding pictures as well!

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    1. I hope that one day he gets his life back on track.

      But yes - the super silver lining was a truly amazing weekend!

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  7. Awww. I am sooo sorry! This post was so touching. Praying for you all.

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  8. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this. What a terrible situation. I can't even imagine. :( BTW - Weren't you a beautiful bride! You look so happy and glowing!

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    1. Thanks for reading and for your comment, Meagan. And thanks...I think I clean up pretty good! haha

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  9. This is a beautiful post, because your raw emotions are showing through! I pray your Dad will turn around soon, and realize what he's missing out on! xoxo!

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and for your comment! I really pray he turns around too, but it's seeming like it won't be anytime soon.

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  10. I am so sorry you are goign through all of this. I pray your father turns his life around for himself, for you, for your sweet babies, and the rest of your family. (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks, Kami! I'm praying the same, so thanks so much for doing the same.

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  11. That breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you are going through this very difficult situation. (((HUGS)))

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    1. And thanks for more hugs, Lindsey. I'm honestly still in so much disbelief, it breaks my heart too if I think about it.

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  12. This breaks my heart. Hurts me to my very core that he's ended up so very sick that he's turned on his own children. Really can't even wrap my head around it. All I can tell you is that his anger towards me, fueled by the years of alcohol abuse has caused him to become insane. Nothing he says or does makes any sense any more. You can not even have a rational conversation with him at this point.

    Who would have ever thought that the man we lived with and loved for so many years could turn into this monster that is threatening, harassing and trying to make our lives a living hell, as I'm sure his has become. Try to completely separate the father who raised you from this sick and pathetic shell of a man.

    Love you bunches baby girl!

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    1. I'm just glad that our family is strong enough and we have gotten closer because of all of this, and that it hasn't torn us up in spite of it.

      He's just so so sick, as you say, there's no reasoning or rationalizing with him, so it's sadly pointless trying to do anything but pray.

      Evil has taken over and I just pray that one day he will repent his sins and ask for forgiveness. I absolutely have that separation...the man up there in my wedding pictures was the wonderful father I grew up with. This man he is today...I have no idea who that is. I still can't believe it all...it's too surreal.

      Love you too, stay strong!

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  13. Oh Sarah... I'm hoping so much for your family that you dad makes the recovery... Tyler's mom was where your Dad is now (maybe even worse if possible, near death) and she was somehow able to bring herself out of it. Not to say that those years she was out of their lives didn't cause damage, but at least she is here to try to rebuild those bridges. Thinking of you every day, you and your Mom are so strong.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment, Lisa. It's so encouraging to know that someone so sick in their addiction CAN turn their lives around as your MIL has. It gives me hope. There's always hope...but sometimes it's really hard to even imagine it can turn around. Thanks again, Lisa!

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  14. Oh sweet Sarah. My heart hurts so very much for you and your family. I will pray and pray that your father makes a recovery and is able to know his children and grandchildren again.

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    1. Thank you for reading and for your prayers, Sarah. It's so comforting to know that so many people, even people we haven't met, are praying for us.

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  15. I am so sorry Sarah! My heart breaks for you! I hope he is able to make a recovery and you can all be a family again.

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    1. Thank you for reading, Melissa! It's what I pray for every day.

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  16. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I appreciate your transparency in your posts. I pray that that man returns too. My dad has consistently made poor choices and not been a part of our lives; I can't imagine the heartache that come with losing the man you once adored. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. That's my prayer for you sweet girl. And an aside, you were a radiant bride!

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